Thursday, November 16, 2006

Broken Record

"This is like deja vu all over again." ~ Yogi Berra

I wish I could say that I made progress over the last 11 days, but alas I have not.....In fact I would wager that I've gained weight again. Believe it or not becoming healthy is incredibly important to me.....if not the most important thing to me.

I thought about this a lot over the last week or so. Sure my relationship with my family and with Sherri is very important. Successfully completing school is up at the top of the list as well, as is a number of other things....But all of these things are so intertwined with my health. I have always struggled with bouts of depression, which leads to anti-social behaviour that not only affects myself but my loved ones as well. I have also struggled with numerous knee/ankle injuries due to in most part my excess weight. Excess weight seems to be the bane of my existence and severely affects my self esteem, self confidence and self image. In fact I would have to think long and hard to find something that my excess weight hasn't affected in my life.

So why then do I always let myself down and give in to my old ways? If this is more important than anything else in my life then why do I find it so hard to change? It upsets me to no end to have to come back to this blog after 2 months, 2 weeks or 2 days and report that I've let myself down yet again.

I would be lying if I said that I haven't thought about just giving up for good at least once a week (only during my unsuccessful periods).

I'm embarrassed by this weakness, by my lack of effort, by my lack of resolve.

In a week or so I will be going on a radio talk show to discuss my blog and my journey towards healthy living and I start to question whether or not I should humiliate myself further by sharing my failures with an even larger audience.

Don't get me wrong.......I'm not giving up......I can't......this is my life were talking about, and I cherish it above all else......I'm just confused and bewildered about what I should do next.

Change? Well of course.....if only it was that easy.

On a positive note, I returned to my blog today and went for a 25 min brisk walk! During my walk I've decided that my new motto is "Take Charge", and I plan on posting this message in various places around our home before I turn in for the night.

My plans for tomorrow?
1. Eat breakfast
2. Pack a lunch
3. Go for a walk
4. Drink more water
5. Use health bridge

I'll report back tomorrow and let you know how many of the 5 I accomplished.

I hope we all "Take Charge" tomorrow.

P.S: Thanks Kim for the kick in the ass.




Anonymous TC said...

when is your interview going to be? I live here in St. John's and since I have a weight loss blog too, having lost over 60 lbs, I would love to tune in!

6:30 p.m.  
Blogger Sir Squishy said...

TC - I'm not sure when the interview is going to happen yet....But I'll keep everyone posted as soon as I find out the specifics.

12:02 a.m.  
Blogger ArleneWKW said...

I like that motto: Take charge. I may use it myself. I think it has more power and punch than the wordy affirmations I've been using. Take charge!! I like that.

As for your difficulties staying on track, I know what you're going through. And it does feel embarrassing/humiliating to be posting about what feels like failure. In my last post, I mentioned that my blog seemed to be a testamony to my failure. Kim pointed out that it was a testamony to my endurance. You have endured. You see yourself eating despite the importance of getting rid of the lbs. Unfortunately, food can be self medicating. At least, that's my experience. I feel bad and food comforts. Even if I'm feeling bad because of what I ate just moments before.

As long as you keep at it, you are paving the way for your ultimate success. Me too.

4:18 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I think you have to be careful about not mixing up CAUSE and EFFECT here, Sir Squishy.

Your post implies that all (or most) of your problems stem from being overweight.

I would say that being overweight is a symptom of another problem (probably PROBLEMS) and until you get to the bottom of that then the struggle will always yield limited success.

If, for whatever reason, for example, you don't really believe you DESERVE to be thinner, then everytime you start to lose a significant amount of weight, your subconcious will set about sabotaging it, and surprise surprise you'll end up on a series of mega binges again.

Tackling all the aspects of over-eating like food addiction, cravings, trigger foods, comfort eating etc are difficult enough. But if in your heart you don't believe you deserve the weight loss, then these other factors become not just difficult, but insurmountable.

I would say you need to investigate your reasons, your subconscious, your childhood experiences and the like, and start finding the root cause(s) for you lack of self esteem. Once you can learn to accept that it's OK to be YOU, then you will find the strength to overcome the barriers that stand between you and health.

And at some point in the future, I will need you to remind me of everything I've just told you, when I've completely forgotten about it and am busy undermining myself :)

7:22 a.m.  
Blogger Spider63 said...

All these negative habis can only be re-programmed and dealt with by constantly re-grouping and re-affirming your positive behavior. When you fail, don't feel bad. Just keep your mind alert for the next trigger and then try to do the right thing that time. If you replace enough negative gaps with positive bridges, eventually you will be consistently positive.

6:29 p.m.  

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