Something

"Time is like a handful of sand; the tighter you grasp it, the faster it runs through your fingers" ~Unknown

Lately it's hard to remember whether I'm coming or going. I'm absolutely pooped, so this is going to be very.... very short.

Have I made any great gains..... no. Have I made any progress.... yes.

I created my To-Do List, and completed much of it. I made some very modest improvements in other area's of my life, which is a step in the right direction...... okay, it was more like 4 or 5 steps forward and 3 steps with a little shuffle backwards, but I think I came out ahead. Yay for small victories.

Thanks for the comments and concerns. More to come soon (in a few days).

To Do List

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
- John Lennon

As a person with A.D.D a To-Do List is an absolute MUST when trying to remain focused and on top of daily/weekly tasks. Keeping on top of things helps me reduce stress, and reducing stress helps me remain content and happy.......a key to Mental Wellness.

I've decided to change the To-Do List items and the post date to the beginning of each week as there's no need to populate my blog with a tonne of past completed lists.

Notes for this week:

Well I was witting up a To-Do List on paper and I figured this was the perfect opportunity to get back to my blog.

To Do List: items to be completed by Monday March 2nd, 2009
(High Priority items are red)

- clean up paper work
- complete benefit forms and mail them
- organize computer table & night stand
- purchase 2 sticky hooks for work clothes
- sweep room
- laundry
- Pick up pay stubs from work
- go to library and donate some books, and get library card
- complete 5 more Adobe Flash lessons
- brainstorm for website idea's
- fix top links on blog & update sidebar

Future To Do's:

- start/finish "My weight, My life: Part 4" post for blog
- write a letter to Josh and Vanessa
- complete tax return

Back in Newfoundland.... Future Tasks:

- read 1st chapter of my meditation book
- figure out what to do with fish tank....and then do it.
- purchase and hang blind in cold cellar (27" x 45")
- build book shelf in basement
- empty book boxes onto new book shelf
- build cork board display area for Josh & Vanessa's art
- hang up family photo's
- organize hardware racks (screws, nails, bolts, etc.) in garage
- clean out and sell old Jeep
- purchase 4 electronic thermostats and install them.
- paint front walkway
- build ground level deck at rear of house
- build a window box for Sherri's office

Purgatory

“He that eateth well drinketh well,
he that drinketh well sleepeth well,
he that sleepeth well sinneth not,
he that sinneth not goeth straight through Purgatory to Paradise.”
~ William Lithgow (1582-1645) Scottish traveler and author

I'll make this short n' sweet as it's late..... or rather early in the morning, and I'm exhausted and hardly in the mood to complete this post...... alas it's well overdue and of immense importance.

I feel like I'm trapped in the Bill Murray movie "Groundhog Day"..... well not the actual movie, but suffering from the same repetitive day, over and over again, unable to make the changes necessary to continue onto the next day. The only difference is that my day is sometimes not just a day, but a longer cycle. Sometimes that cycle is only a day long, and sometimes it stretches on for what feels like eternity.

I fall into the same endless cycle over, and over, and over, and over again, unable to break the pattern. A broken record, which after years of skipping was replaced by a digital loop.

Eventually, after days, weeks, months or years later, I managed to break the cycle. I regroup, construct a new tactic and launch my self into action, but eventually, months, weeks or days later, I slip back into the repetitive loop of failure.

I'm embarrassed. I'm exhausted. I'm Afraid. Afraid to even attempt again. I'm afraid because I'm not sure how many times I can keep doing this to myself.

I'm not sure what else I have to say at the moment. Now that I think about it, I really didn't even have a game plan or any sense of direction, before I started to type this post. My only real goal was to return to my blog..... no matter how painful or embarrassing.

Being away from Sherri, especially in a town which I despise, has been a real testament to the strength of our relationship; and although I've somehow managed to maintain my sanity, without slipping into depression, I feel like I'm trapped in Purgatory.

Other than for quick trips to the store for food and odds and ends, or to go to work, I've seldom left my room let alone my apartment.

I have no elaborate plan. No rules. No promises. Nothing.

If I'm able to accomplish anything tomorrow, I would like to leave my apartment even for a short walk and try to report back here..... that's all I have in me currently.

Resolution

Written on Dec.19th, 2008, but not posted until Feb.16th, 2009

This was originally just a brainstorming draft that I planned to pull from and write a more congealed post, but I though it would take away from the experience. Here's the original post unedited.

My body is my temple!!!!!!!!!!!

Grandad and being ill due to diabetes...... no sympathy, b/c he's chosen to ignore his disease and it's his own doing.

Sharon and being tired..... no sympathy, b/c she's chosen to overwork herself and it's her own doing.

Just two examples in one day. Both people are suffering b/c they have made a conscious choice to ignore the logical path to wellness and are therefore suffering the consequences.

I sit here and pass judgment on them without sympathy, and yet I've done no different to myself for as long as I can remember. Is this how others view me? Am I just some fat, unhealthy guy that doesn't deserve sympathy b/c I've chosen to eat poorly and to excess..... and it is my own doing? Have I also made the conscious choice to ignore the logical path to wellness & am therefore suffering the consequences? Have I been making this conscious choice for all these years?

The weight of this realization is overwhelming and is almost to much to bear. I'm utterly ashamed of myself, both for lacking the sympathy and understanding of two people I truly love and care for; two people who love me and would do anything for me.

What kind of selfish individual am I to think such things. How have I sank so low to come to such uncaring, and unloving thoughts, and even worse stating those thoughts out loud.

Why should anyone care about me, when I have such wanton disregard for others?

What makes me ill most of all, is that even the realization of this might not even be enough to make the changes that I need to make. What kind of person does that make me? Do I even deserve to change?

Miles Away & Bigger Than Ever

Written on Nov.25th, 2008, but not posted until Feb.16th, 2009

"In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours." - Ayn Rand

To those of you that have frequented my blog over the years, I'm sure it comes to no surprise to me return...... months later, in a worse state (mind and body), than when I last committed myself to my blog and my goals.

This time is no different. I have no idea how much weight I've gained, how much muscle I've lost, or more importantly how much this has effected my overall health. If I had to guess, I'd say all three was quite significant.

Much has happened since my last post; so here's a very brief breakdown of what has occurred (I haven't read my previous posts, so I'm not even sure where I left off):

1. I moved to Alberta on August 6th, 2008.
2. I found employment with a mining company driving heavy haulers.
3. I work very long shifts, and have very little down time, unless I'm on days off.
4. I bought a new (almost new) 2008 Jeep Wrangler
5. I was fired from my job. (long story..... I'll cover it later).
6. I landed a new job a few days later with another mining company.

What's most important to note about the above info is that I'm here alone......well not alone per se, but here without Sherri.

Reporting In For Duty

"I think a man's duty is to find out where the truth is, or if he cannot, at least to take the best possible human doctrine and the hardest to disprove, and to ride on this like a raft over the waters of life." ~ Plato

I weighed myself for the first time in a long time today and the results as saddening as they are, the one thing they're not is surprising...... 237.4 lbs @ 35.4% BF.

ARGH.

A lot of things have been keeping me off track lately, but none of them are really serious. I often go to sleep with grand visions of what the next day will hold only to wake up and continue the previous days routine, or lack of one. Other days I wake up start the day off right only to fizzle later on in the day. I've yet to have more than a few successful means at a time before self destructing.

On the topic of destructing, my knee has been pretty bad as of lately. About 3 weeks ago it gave out on me and has been acting up since. I really can't lift anything or put weight on it for any extended amount of time without risking it giving out again, which really sucks since my run/walk-a-thon is coming up on July 1st..... not that I was ready for it anyways. I have no plans to drop out..... I will complete the event. I might be hobbling over the finish line, but I will complete it.

Another thing that's been bumming me out is the fact that I'm still not employed. This year was supposed to be the busiest year ever for Heavy Equipment Operators in our province, but unfortunately the largest 4 jobs have been delayed. My position on the wait list with our union is crawling along, and I'm not even sure if I'll make it to the top of the list before the end of 2008 at the current pace. Outside of union work I've applied for several positions but have had little or no luck so far. I'm really not that worried. I know I'll find work soon, but the process is really beginning to take it's toll.

I have had some positive experiences over the last week or so. The garage was an absolute disaster zone. We simply had too much stuff in there to keep things organized. Stuff was stacked on top of each other and even when it was neat it was only a matter of time before it was messy again because anytime you wanted something you were forced to move several other things to get at it. Enough was enough. I removed some light shelves that I made last year (re-using the material) and constructed a really beefy shelf unit that now holds most of the stuff that was occupying the garage. I hung the bikes from the ceiling and cleaned up my tools. I'm currently about 90% finished what I wanted to accomplish......we could actually pull in a car now if we wanted too.

Beyond the garage I have tackled some smaller projects as well and I have to admit that it makes me feel better to actually accomplish something.

As for my blog, I've been avoiding it like so many things in my life. I really don't want to make any promises......frankly I don't know/think I could keep them. I do know that the one thing I'm certain I can do is update my To-Do List and update my stats on my sidebar. That's at least a start.

Thanks for the continued support.

Down but not out.

Hello All!

First off I would like to apologize to everyone for allowing myself to ignore....ah...err...myself; that is ignoring the things that are truly important to me: getting healthy and living a balanced life.

I've allowed an awful lot of my old habits to creep back into my life over the last month. I've been sneaking chocolate bars while I've been out getting gas or groceries, I've exercised very little..... okay.... not at all, and to make matters even worse, I've also re-injured my knee over the last 2 weeks.

I would also like to apologize to Sherri, who tried her best to get me to see the error of my ways and get me back on track. I promised her that I would make a difference day in .....and day out, but I never really tried.

I also want to thank everyone for asking/reminding me to make the effort......Thanks.

Today I'm on track to having a good day.....which is a start. I've gotta go out now to run some errands, but I'm hoping to post again later today or early tomorrow.