Monday, February 16, 2009

Purgatory

“He that eateth well drinketh well,
he that drinketh well sleepeth well,
he that sleepeth well sinneth not,
he that sinneth not goeth straight through Purgatory to Paradise.”
~ William Lithgow (1582-1645) Scottish traveler and author

I'll make this short n' sweet as it's late..... or rather early in the morning, and I'm exhausted and hardly in the mood to complete this post...... alas it's well overdue and of immense importance.

I feel like I'm trapped in the Bill Murray movie "Groundhog Day"..... well not the actual movie, but suffering from the same repetitive day, over and over again, unable to make the changes necessary to continue onto the next day. The only difference is that my day is sometimes not just a day, but a longer cycle. Sometimes that cycle is only a day long, and sometimes it stretches on for what feels like eternity.

I fall into the same endless cycle over, and over, and over, and over again, unable to break the pattern. A broken record, which after years of skipping was replaced by a digital loop.

Eventually, after days, weeks, months or years later, I managed to break the cycle. I regroup, construct a new tactic and launch my self into action, but eventually, months, weeks or days later, I slip back into the repetitive loop of failure.

I'm embarrassed. I'm exhausted. I'm Afraid. Afraid to even attempt again. I'm afraid because I'm not sure how many times I can keep doing this to myself.

I'm not sure what else I have to say at the moment. Now that I think about it, I really didn't even have a game plan or any sense of direction, before I started to type this post. My only real goal was to return to my blog..... no matter how painful or embarrassing.

Being away from Sherri, especially in a town which I despise, has been a real testament to the strength of our relationship; and although I've somehow managed to maintain my sanity, without slipping into depression, I feel like I'm trapped in Purgatory.

Other than for quick trips to the store for food and odds and ends, or to go to work, I've seldom left my room let alone my apartment.

I have no elaborate plan. No rules. No promises. Nothing.

If I'm able to accomplish anything tomorrow, I would like to leave my apartment even for a short walk and try to report back here..... that's all I have in me currently.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Fat Lazy Guy said...

Hey man. I'm sorry to hear things aren't going so well.

I know you said you haven't slipped into depression, but from the sounds of it, you're exhibiting a lot of signs of depression. Perhaps you should go see someone?

Take care.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Twice the Man said...

Squishy, I was in purgatory for awhile too, but somehow found my way out. I am glad to see you posting again, you can email me from my profile page if you like. I am down to 280 after bouncing back up to 405 again, now at my lowest in like 10 years, but I am not blogging as seriously as I did the first round as Twice the Man, hang tough and hit me up if you need anything.

11:42 AM  

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