Scary Pattern.

"We must expect to fail... but fail in a learning posture, determined not to repeat the mistakes, and to maximize the benefits from what is learned in the process."
~ Ted W. Engstrom

In my Week #241 review I eluded to the fact that "the real challenge for me lies in the coming 2 months"....... Why's that you ask?

Well Since the creation of this blog almost 5 years ago I've yoyo'd up and down several times..... 4 times to be exact. I may have started my blog on May 14th, 2005, but it wasn't until the beginning of January 2006 (almost 20 lbs heavier) before I hit rock bottom and made a real attempt to change (my first real attempt since the inception of this blog). Here's why I'm a tad concerned:

• Jan. 2006 @ 252 lbs. -----> Mar.2006 @ 229 lbs.
• Jan. 2008 @ 252 lbs. -----> Mar.2008 @ 230 lbs.
• Jan. 2009 @ 250 lbs. -----> Apr.2006 @ 229 lbs.

The above pattern is really scary to me. Each time my progress has lasted between 8-14 weeks, losing about 23 lbs each time, followed by an incident/event that derails my progress and eventually leads to the return of old destructive patterns.

I'm big enough to admit that the majority of the problem is mental..... but I'm not sure how to change or go about challenging those negative thoughts/patterns. I'll give you an example.... when I was in Ottawa last month I woke up one morning to brush my teeth and when I looked into the mirror for a split second I thought "who is that?", because I was surprised that the person looking back at me in the mirror was much thinner looking than the person I'm used to seeing. The unfortunate thing about this positive moment/thought is that it was almost immediately followed by "I've thought this before. It won't last. Don't get used to feeling good about yourself". I realize that my thoughts were very self defeating, but they swirled through my head. I guess the difference now is that I'm starting to develop the ability to argue against this line of negative thinking...... sometimes that is. This particular internal conversation wasn't challenged until later that day, when I tried to set things straight in my head.

230 lbs. represents a very solid emotional and mental wall for me. I have an awful lot of my past wrapped around this weight. Without going into a lot of detail (see here for more detail) I was just shy of 230 lbs. during a very abusive relationship in my early 20's, and a year or so before I met Sherri I was in another relationship with a girl that said "I don't find you attractive because of your weight".

When I think back to the dates of my previous 3 weight loss attempts, my reason for falling off the wagon was due to small things that wore away my resolve...... a sore knee, a bad week, stress, a return of an old habit...... I really don't think that I sabotaged my progress because of this emotional/mental wall.... but I don't know that for sure.

I'm not overly worried about all of this..... but it is in the back of my mind.

I'm confident that this time is different..... but I've thought that during previous attempts.

Despite all of this...... the past is the past.

This time I'm going to smash down the wall,
and I'm going to grind the broken pieces to dust.