Blast From the Past

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” 
~ Mother Teresa

One of the recent documentaries that I watched recommended gathering up photographs from a time where you were happier with your self image to help you visualize what you will look like as you progress towards your weight loss goal.

Easier Said than done.

It took me awhile, but I was able to dig up 2 photographs that I have always been happy with.  Here they are:

1998 Photo: was taken the day my brother was getting married.  I was 25 years old at the time and I had recently lost about 20 pounds.  My self confidence was pretty high and although I still had a high body fat percentage, I was far more at ease in my own skin.  This was also the only time in my life where my weight remained below 220 lbs. for an extended period of time.

1989 Photo: was taken on a trip to Virgina Beach.  I was only 16 at the time.  The picture is a bit blurry because the picture was taken from a long distance away, and in reality I'm only about 3/4" tall in the picture.  I cropped the photo and zoomed in to obtain what you see above.

It was during my previous 2 years that I had put on a ton of weight, but by this point I had really started to come around.  I was far more active and I had also near the end of my last growth spurt (I was only 5 feet tall when I started High School and I was probably about 5' 9" in this photo).  This photo is the only picture I have without a t-shirt on past the age of around 8.  This was also one of the only times I've ever gone shirtless in public.  I can remember being surprised at just how athletic I looked in the image (remember I was only 3/4" in the real picture) and I felt good about myself.

Body Fat %:  Although the listed weight is almost dead on, the body fat percentage range listed represents my best guess based on the many years I've kept track of my BF% since obtaining my scale, and from the following image found here:

I'm keeping both of these pictures at my computer desk to help me visualize what I will look like in the not too distant future.  Visualizing a better you helps to break down the self image barriers that those of us who struggle with weight tend to have.  Hopefully these pictures will help me do just that. 

Gene Find Project Results

"Forget about style; worry about results." ~ Bobby Orr source here

Well the results are in. This morning I attended the Gene Project Study and I actually showed up in time & remembered to fast for the preceding 12 hrs.

The results? Basically I found out that I have a amazingly high bone density, and that I'm a fat bastard. The results of the scans were presented to me in the form of 4 pages of information. The results from the blood analysis will be emailed to me at a later date.

Page 1: Body Composition

In the above graph the x-axis represents the Body Fat % which ranges from 0% up to 40%. The y-axis represents age in years from 20 to 100.

The "Z - Score" is defined as follows:

In statistics, a standard score indicates how many standard deviations an observation or datum is above or below the mean. It is a dimensionless quantity derived by subtracting the population mean from an individual raw score and then dividing the difference by the population standard deviation. This conversion process is called standardizing or normalizing; however, "normalizing" can refer to many types of ratios; see normalization (statistics) for more.

Standard scores are also called z-values, z-scores, normal scores, and standardized variables; the use of "Z" is because the normal distribution is also known as the "Z distribution". They are most frequently used to compare a sample to a standard normal deviate (standard normal distribution, with μ = 0 and σ = 1), though they can be defined without assumptions of normality.

The z-score is only defined if one knows the population parameters, as in standardized testing; if one only has a sample set, then the analogous computation with sample mean and sample standard deviation yields the Student's t-statistic.

~ Wikipedia.com

Basically The line at zero represents a normal score. The zero line starts at around 14% for someone at the age of 20, and rises to about 27% for someone who is 100. The normal score for someone my age (38yrs old) is about 21%. I however am currently sitting at 37.9%

The chart below the graph gives a detailed account of how my body composition is distributed. My total mass is 107.1 kg, which is comprised of: 39.138 kg of fat, 64.227 kg of lean tissue, and 3.703 kg of BMC (Bone Mineral Content), or more simply bone.

You'll notice that on the left side of the chart if even breaks down the body into different regions and gives you the distribution of total mass, fat, lean tissue, bone, and even body fat % for each region.

Android is defined as follows:

1. of the pelvis : having the angular form and narrow outlet typical of the human male android pelvises>—compare anthropoid, gynecoid, platypelloid

2. : relating to or characterized by the distribution of body fat chiefly in the abdominal region <android obesity>—compare gynecoid
~ merriam-webster.com

Page 2:




REMEMBER:

1. Remove "A" tags from images.
2. Remove cursor pointer code from images
3. Add target="_blank" to all links
4. Add Center tags to video's
5. Add Labels to the post
6. Delete this list :)

Goodbye 2011

"Dear life, when I said 'can this year get any worse' it was a rhetorical question not a challenge" ~ Unknown

2011 was by far the worst year in a very long time.... if not the worst year ever. The last time I blogged was back in August (6 months ago), and things were beginning to look up since I had a decent paying job that was kicking me in the butt physically. I was shedding weight and adding on a lot of muscle, until I injured myself. I ruptured my distal tendon in my right arm. What's that you ask.... well your bicep is attached by two tendons.

The Proximal Tendon attaches/anchors the upper part of the bicep muscle shoulder joint. The Distal Tendon attaches/anchors the bottom part of the bicep muscle to the elbow. Basically I ripped the tendon right out of my elbow bone. Once the tendon is detached the whole bicep shifts way up the arm. It looks really bizarre and hurts like crap.

Needless to say, my injury put me on the sidelines for the rest of the season. The only way to fix this injury is through surgery, which I had about 5 weeks after my injury. After the surgery you have to wait for new bone to grow around the tendon before you can even begin to start using the bicep again. Being injured and out of a job for 6 months really takes a toll on you emotionally. I struggled with my depression, but I managed to get through the worst of it unscathed.

Towards the end of December I was ready to return to work, but work was finished for the season. During Nov-Jan, I was interviewing for a new job with HSBC Financing. I figured it was time to return to my sales past, which is far safer. I can deal with paper cuts, but my days of physical labour are thankfully over.

That pretty much brings us up to the present. I was finally hired by HSBC on Jan.27th and just finished my first week. I have high hopes for this new job, and 2012 being a much happier year.

I weighed myself last Monday on Jan. 27th and I weighed in at 241.6 lbs @ 36.6% BF...... almost where I was 6 months prior. I started eating better, drinking tons of water, and taking 30min walks during my lunch hour. With the new job, better nutrition, and exercise, I'm already feeling better than I did the week before.

I was once again hesitant about returning to my blog, but I figured that I'd alienated all of my followers anyways, so this blog is more about helping myself than it is worrying about what other people think. The important thing is that I'm back.

I can hardly wait till Monday starts (yeah I know..... remind me in 3 months that I said this), because I'm excited about my new job and improving on my fitness/nutrition measures that I put into action last week.

I have tons of other things to share, but they'll have to wait until the next post. I hope everyone has a great week..... I know I'm going to, which is something I haven't thought for a very long time, and it feels great.

During My Absence

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"
~ Chris Rock

This last year has been crazy. It's probably been one of the most stressful years of my life. It's definitely been one of the saddest, and because of that I've suffered more from depression lately than I'd care to admit.

For the life of me, I can't remember just how much I've shared of my personal life on this blog, or where I left off, but I can always fill in the blanks later.

Both of my parents were extremely ill this last year. My mothers Lupus, and complications due to the meds that she takes to treat it, caused her to be in the hospital for over 43 weeks of the last year, on and off. To make an extremely long story short, she struggled with infection after infection, after having hip surgery. After multiple surgeries, and being on the most powerful antibiotics known to man she's finally doing much better. My dad however didn't fare so well.

Dad was diagnosed with 2 types of lung disease: Pulmonary Fibrosis, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), about 8 months prior to my absence, but during this last year he declined very quickly. About 7 months ago dad got to the point where he couldn't leave the house, and shortly after that even a trip to the bathroom became a chore. Towards the end of April my dad tried to commit suicide with an overdose of pills. Two weeks later on a Tuesday after 5pm, my mother returned home from the hospital. After a very short reunion, my mom went to sleep for the night exhausted from the return home..... my dad slept on the couch to give her a restful nights sleep. At 8am the next morning my father fell down and broke his hip and was rushed to the hospital.

Due to his lung disease, the doctors couldn't put him under a general anesthetic, so he was given an epidural to freeze him from the waist down for the surgery. The surgery was a success, but my dad started to have additional breathing problems shortly after the surgery. Almost 7 days to the hour after breaking his hip, my father passed away. A nurse had come in to check on him and he was awake and stated he wanted to get up to go to the bathroom. My dad sat up, swung his legs over the side of the bed, placed his hands on the edge to prepare to push up and gasped sharply and passed out. We were told that he was gone almost immediately after that gasp.

Two days after my fathers passing, my mom's infection resurfaced and she returned to the hospital. We managed to get her a day pass so she could attend my fathers informal gathering to note his passing (he didn't want a service). My mom remained in the hospital for approximately 5 more weeks, before she was released again. During those 5 weeks, my brother, mom and I had numerous talks about her health and how we were going to provide enough care for her. Kevin and I knew that she really only had 4 options:

1. Move in with Sherri and I in Newfoundland.
2. For Sherri and I to move back to Ontario and have her live with us.
3. Have a live in Nanny.
4. Move into a retirement home.

She didn't want to move to Newfoundland, because she wouldn't get to see her grand children. She didn't want for Sherri and I to have to move back to Ontario, and she refused to have a stranger live in the house with her.

In the end mom came to the conclusion that she couldn't live in the house by herself anymore and that she would be open to the idea of moving into a retirement home. After visiting only a half a dozen locations, mom found a place that she was more than happy to call home..... without any pressure at all from us.

Mom decided she wanted to move into the retirement home sooner, rather than later, and a few weeks later we moved her in. I had decided to stay with her for the first week until she was settled, but as fate had other plans. Early the next morning my mother had another relapse and was rushed back to the hospital for another 2 week stay. After that last hospital visit things started to improve for her. I stayed with her for a week (left after breakfast each day and returned after supper) and ever since then her health has improved. I'm happy to say that she's eating better, socializing, attending daily fitness classes, joined a knitting club, attends movie night, goes out on off site lunches, and is very much feeling happy and at home in her new apartment.

On July 22nd Kevin, his girlfriend Shara, his two children Josh & Vanessa and I, took the family boat out on Lake Simcoe where we frequented regularly to fish. We said our goodbye's and spread his ashes on the lake. It wasn't nearly as sad as I had anticipated, and the day was even a little lighthearted when my 11yr old Nephew said "Goodbye grandpa, may you rest in pieces", and not by mistake.

I returned home on July 24th almost 3 months after my arrival.

Ronald Edward Wells 28/07/1945 - 11/07/2011 I love you dad R.I.P

Scary Pattern.

"We must expect to fail... but fail in a learning posture, determined not to repeat the mistakes, and to maximize the benefits from what is learned in the process."
~ Ted W. Engstrom

In my Week #241 review I eluded to the fact that "the real challenge for me lies in the coming 2 months"....... Why's that you ask?

Well Since the creation of this blog almost 5 years ago I've yoyo'd up and down several times..... 4 times to be exact. I may have started my blog on May 14th, 2005, but it wasn't until the beginning of January 2006 (almost 20 lbs heavier) before I hit rock bottom and made a real attempt to change (my first real attempt since the inception of this blog). Here's why I'm a tad concerned:

• Jan. 2006 @ 252 lbs. -----> Mar.2006 @ 229 lbs.
• Jan. 2008 @ 252 lbs. -----> Mar.2008 @ 230 lbs.
• Jan. 2009 @ 250 lbs. -----> Apr.2006 @ 229 lbs.

The above pattern is really scary to me. Each time my progress has lasted between 8-14 weeks, losing about 23 lbs each time, followed by an incident/event that derails my progress and eventually leads to the return of old destructive patterns.

I'm big enough to admit that the majority of the problem is mental..... but I'm not sure how to change or go about challenging those negative thoughts/patterns. I'll give you an example.... when I was in Ottawa last month I woke up one morning to brush my teeth and when I looked into the mirror for a split second I thought "who is that?", because I was surprised that the person looking back at me in the mirror was much thinner looking than the person I'm used to seeing. The unfortunate thing about this positive moment/thought is that it was almost immediately followed by "I've thought this before. It won't last. Don't get used to feeling good about yourself". I realize that my thoughts were very self defeating, but they swirled through my head. I guess the difference now is that I'm starting to develop the ability to argue against this line of negative thinking...... sometimes that is. This particular internal conversation wasn't challenged until later that day, when I tried to set things straight in my head.

230 lbs. represents a very solid emotional and mental wall for me. I have an awful lot of my past wrapped around this weight. Without going into a lot of detail (see here for more detail) I was just shy of 230 lbs. during a very abusive relationship in my early 20's, and a year or so before I met Sherri I was in another relationship with a girl that said "I don't find you attractive because of your weight".

When I think back to the dates of my previous 3 weight loss attempts, my reason for falling off the wagon was due to small things that wore away my resolve...... a sore knee, a bad week, stress, a return of an old habit...... I really don't think that I sabotaged my progress because of this emotional/mental wall.... but I don't know that for sure.

I'm not overly worried about all of this..... but it is in the back of my mind.

I'm confident that this time is different..... but I've thought that during previous attempts.

Despite all of this...... the past is the past.

This time I'm going to smash down the wall,
and I'm going to grind the broken pieces to dust.

Music of the Moment.

"Music is my religion." ~ Jimi Hendrix

Don't worry.... I'm not feeling melancholy. I just spent the last hour or so listening to music and I figured I'd share a song that I love..... it just happens that this song speaks very clearly to me about my struggles with my weight.

Breathe Me ~ Sia

Music is sooooooooooooooooooo very important to me..... so I might share a bit more of it with you guys from time to time. I hope everyone had a great weekend.

About Me

"A friend is one who takes me for what I am." ~ Henry David Thoreau


My previous post inspired me to create an ongoing segment titled "About Me". Every now and then I'll share something about myself & hopefully you'll do the same by leaving a comment.

My 3 favourite scents:
- The smell of a wood burning stove on a cold winters day.
- Bacon..... mmmmm.
- Fresh baked bread.

3 scents that make me ill:
- Hair Salons
- Coffee
- Sulfur...... ahhhh Fort McMurray, where's there's no such thing as a breath of fresh air.

I know, I know.... you think I'm crazy about the coffee. Well if you think that's crazy.... coffee has never passed my lips before!

Maybe????

"Try Not. Do. Or do not. There is no try." ~ Yoda

I just finished visiting (and commenting on) Kim Ayres blog "Losing a Hundredweight", and in my comment I talked about how "MAYBE's don't count for much with me"..... which was just part of my rambling & wasn't a reflection on Kim. I can honestly say that that line of thinking (man I hate using that's back to back) and my attitude on other similar words such as try, is primarily based on Yoda's wisdom from Star Wars.

It's easy to fall into the mental trap of "maybe" or "try" or could, should, would, might....etc. I can't even begin to count the number of times during my life that Yoda has aided me along the way.

..... now living up to that wisdom is a whole other subject.

Crunching Numbers

"Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare." ~ Rene Descartes

Numbers are important to me. They help me keep track of things. Keep me organized. Help me visualize progress, or the lack thereof. They are an essential part of tracking time, past, present and future.

With that in mind, lets take a moment to consider some important numbers in regards to this blog.

- Born Squishy was launched on Saturday, May 14th, 2005
- 4 Year, 5 Months, and 5 Days ago......
- That makes this Week #231 or Day #1619

- My starting stat's were as follows:

Age: 31
Height: 5' 10"
Weight: 243.0 lbs.
Body Fat %: 34.2

- On Sept. 9th, 2009 (after being absent for 187 Days) I changed my starting stats & date to:

Aug. 1st, 2009
Age: 35
Height: 5' 10"
Weight: 259.0 lbs.
Body Fat %: 39.7

I realize that this really isn't necessary, but I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my deceit.... not that it fooled anyone. I just couldn't face returning (yet again) to my blog in worse shape than I started in.

I understand the whole "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" and the importance of "learning from our mistakes"...... I just couldn't acknowledge it at the time.

So..... until the day comes when time travel is an viable option and I have ability to distort the 'space-time continuum', I'll have to remember to live in the present, learn from my past, and apply that knowledge to make a plan for the future.

Day 1620 here I come.

My Tattoo....well one of them

"My body is a journal in a way. It's like what sailors used to do, where every tattoo meant something, a specific time in your life when you make a mark on yourself, whether you do it yourself with a knife or with a professional tattoo artist." ~ Johnny Depp

My transformation over the last few years has also taken part in the form of a tattoo. For many years now I've wanted to get a large piece of art tattooed on my body, but the timing and the idea had to be right. Over 1 3/4 years ago (after researching the different tattooers in my area) I made a call to Trouble Bound Tattoos to book a consultation with Dave Munroe, the owner ; who also just happens to be one of the most sought after tattoo artists in Newfoundland. I had to wait for almost 17 months just to have a sit down consultation with him to discuss my idea for a tattoo. Over the course of that 17 months I scoured the internet for inspiration & images/colours (since I have no artistic ability) that would help me articulate /present my idea to Dave.

My patience paid off, as the 17 months allowed me plenty of time to really put some serious thought into the design. Finally the day came when I was able to have a face to face meeting with Dave. I presented him with a 6pg document that featured various images & colours, along with my notes scribbled around the images.

I had decided that I wanted a full sleeve tattoo (goes from the wrist, up to the shoulder, and all the way around the arm). I wanted the style of the tattoo to reflect a somewhat traditional Japanese Tattoo because I love the flow of their images and their use of colour....and especially since the main subject of my tattoo was going to be a dragon.

I wanted my tattoo to be a combination of the 4 elements: Earth, Air, Fire & Water; and the balance between these 4 elements represented the balance that I was seeking in my life.

Earth was going to be represented by a cherry blossom tree and it's flowers. I've always had a fascination with trees and it's my opinion that the cherry blossom tree & it's flowers are one of the most beautiful trees on the face of the earth.

Air is represented by clouds and is indirectly represented by the storm water.....all of which swirls around the fire element.

Fire is represented in the form of a dragon that has wisps of fire surrounding it.

Water is represented in the form of.....errrr.....well, water. Waterfalls, splashes and waves that surround the dragon.

Even though the 4 elements in the tattoo represent the balance of life; a balance I'm striving for....the water & fire elements are more prominent in the tattoo. The water element represents the turbulent struggle that I've had with weight & self identity throughout my life. The fire element represents change and my struggle to take control, and balance my life.

The dragon represents my guardian and steward of change, my courage to overcome the stormy waters of my past......as fire is often associated with renewal.

Finally there are 2 other images that are present in the tattoo. The first is a solitary 4leaf clover, which represents luck, and although it doesn't belong in a Japanese, a little bit of luck is always helpful. The second image is various stars located throughout the tattoo (not included in the below image). The stars represent hope, guidance, and the unknown or mystical. Many people wish upon stars or look up into the sky and try to understand the mysteries of life. What does it all mean, where did we come from, where are we going, how does it end? These are but a few questions I've had/thought while gazing up at the stars. People also relied on the stars for guidance, whether it was sailors lost at sea, or the wise men guided by the North Star. The stars are also a mystical aspect in life. Constellations & their stories, our drive to visit the stars and far away places, the belief that our heaven or salvation might be among them.....these are all things that fascinate me, which is yet another reason why I included them.

As you can see, I have put a lot of thought into this tattoo. It represents my past, present and future. It is a story of my life. It is a living work of art that is now and forever part of my body.

I hope my ramblings have made sense. I might in the future go back and edit the above text, in case I missed something, or to try and clear up my explanations.....But for now I will let it be.

This image is the original drawing created by Dave Munroe......pure genius.



This image is after the first 5 1/2 hr session, & shows the completed outline.


This image was taken about 3 1/2 weeks after the first 5.5hr session of applying colour. Unfortunately some spots will have to be re-touched because the scabs pulled off some of the colour.....which is normal, but it's sooooooo hard not to touch them since everything is so ichy.

I'll have to try much harder after the next session.


More pictures to come as my tattoo makes it's journey towards completion. I have approximately 15+ hrs of colouring to go.....wish me luck.

My Weight, My Life: Part 4 (2002 - 2005)

Coming Soon!

My Weight, My Life: Part 3 (1999 - 2002)

"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest." ~ Confucius

The story continues....its long....and quite personal, but I'm willing to share it.

Sometime in Oct. of 97' I met a girl who soon became my girlfriend. Even though I was still on the squishy side, I was somewhat comfortable in my own skin, which manifested itself in something I had never really felt...........self confidence in my appearance.

In January of 97' I managed to secure my first sales job with a small but well known company. I was elated by my current success and my relationship was progressing nicely.......But soon after starting my sales manager who was also one of the owners started to tease me about my weight. As time went on the teasing became worse. He used to poke me in the stomach, rub my belly and refer to me as 'lumpy' or 'my short fat friend'....just to name a few. In his defense he was a real guys, guy, and I'm not sure he had any idea how hurtful I found the comments. I have always been highly sensitive about my appearance and used to tell myself that I was being too hard on myself.

I remained with this company until Aug. of 99' at which point I left for a better position with a larger company. During the previous 1 3/4 yrs spent at this company my weight hovered up and down between 205 - 212 lbs.

Once at my new job I was happy to be away from the constant teasing from my old boss. I now had an inside sales job with a well known computer distribution company and life couldn't be better. I managed to secure a large pay increase from my previous job and I settled in quickly to my new career.

Over the next 2 1/2 yrs I was promoted 5 times. I originally started out as an overflow queue sales representative. Basically I just filled in for other sales reps while they were out to lunch or were on another call. After only one month I was promoted to handling my own small accounts. Over the next 6-7 months I was promoted 3 more times I was handling the top 4 accounts for Western Canada. At one point I had a monthly sales quota of over 7 million dollars. With this new success came something else that was relatively new to me as well.........STRESS.

I managed to excel in this position to the point that I was offered a sales manager role for a new division that myself and another individual were going to lead. I know it sounds like life was great career wise, and it was.....but all was not well.

At this point my salary had grown considerably.....but so had my level of stress. With every promotion came a new position that entailed more responsibility and a greater learning curve. My life became my job and revolved around my job. As my stress levels rose my eating habits became worse and my exercise level decreased. I started to gain weight quickly. As I gained weight I started to get depressed which only elevated my stress level. My life had become a terrible downward spiral. I developed IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and my depression worsened. My depression and stress put an untold pressure on my relationship which also started to fail. My world seemed to be falling apart.

Geez......I almost forgot. Somewhere between promotions my girlfriend proposed to me (something that never really sat well with me....that's my job) and somewhat dumbfounded I accepted. I had already been thinking about proposing her but I was never sure if the timing was right.

Not knowing what else to do I sought out professional help. My doctor referred me to a therapist that tried to help me to make sense out of everything. Through my therapists help I was able to acknowledge a lot of different issues:

• That I had been struggling with depression and poor self image since the beginning of high school.
• I was diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) which after extensive investigation into my past was very evident in my actions and in my report cards. It helped explain why I had such a hard time throughout my school career, and it helped explain why I had to spend so much time trying to remain organized at my current job.
• I was an emotional eater and food was my primary means of trying to deal with life's ups and downs.
• Based on my current track record it wasn't going to be long before more physical illnesses presented themselves based on my stress problems and my weight gain (which has steadily climbed to 259 lbs).

It just so happened that around this same time I was taking a management certificate course at Sheridan College.....which changed my life (I'll get back to the therapist in a minute). The instructor was a middle aged man that was an ex sales manager. He had a great attitude and out take on life. He made me laugh a lot which was a nice for a change.

On the second day of class (Sunday) the instructor approached me and said "You remind me a lot of myself at your age. We have to have a little chat, lunch is on me". He said this with a smile, but I couldn't help but notice that he had something really important to tell me.

During lunch he explained how he had taken a sales job that he loved and excelled at. He told me how he was promoted often and moved through the ranks into upper management. He told me about the impact that this had on his life and how his stress levels spiraled out of control to the point that it was becoming apparent on his physical health. He told me how he gained weight, developed digestive problems, which eventually leaded to a life threatening gal bladder attack. At this point in the story he stopped and asked "remind you of anyone?". With a dumbfounded look on my face he continued his story. He told me that he quit his job, regained control of his life, found a less stressful job teaching, which eventually brought his story up to the present day. Our story was virtually identical. His advice to me was get out now before it was too late.

I took this very important experience back to my therapist. After much discussion with my therapist, my instructor and my fiance, I came to the conclusion that I needed to leave my job and pursue something else. Around this same time my brother and I had started up a web based business that was doing extremely well and warranted me leaving my job anyways.

In late March of 2002 I gave my three weeks notice. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My fiance was supportive of my new web based home run business, my therapist visits were helping, I was losing weight.........Life was great.......or so it seemed.

I'll continue this story in Part 4.

Tipping The Scales

"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. " ~ Arthur C. Clarke

How often should I weigh myself? This is one of the most discussed questions, where everyone seems to have a different answer. Most of the books & articles that I have read over the years advise to weight yourself no more than once per week......sometimes only once a month.

Personally I've always found weighing myself once a week to be inaccurate, misleading and flatout frustrating......here's why: Weight fluctuates from day to day. If it happens to fluctuate up on the day you weight yourself it looks like you had a bad week. If it happens to fluctuate down it might show a loss when there was none. This also throws off the following week and makes it next to impossible to figure out where you went wrong or right.

This is why I prefer to weight myself daily, first thing in the morning after I get up (and relieve myself). I then record my results (weight & body fat %) in a notebook. At the end of the week I add up the results for the entire week and divide by 7 to get my average.

Example: July 11th - 17th (actual results)

Tues. July 11th, 237.8 lbs @ 33.4% BF
Wed. July 12th, 236.0 lbs @ 33.8% BF
Thurs. July 13th, 234.8 lbs @ 34.0% BF
Fri. July 14th, 236.0 lbs @ 33.3% BF
Sat. July 15th, 236.0 lbs @ 32.6% BF
Sun. July 16th, 235.2 lbs @ 32.0 BF
Mon. July 17th, 235.0 lbs @ 32.7 BF

Weight: 237.8 + 236.0 + 234.8 + 236.0 + 236.0 + 235.2 + 235.0 = 1650.8 / 7 = 235.8 lbs
BF: 33.4 + 33.8 + 34.0 + 33.3 + 32.6 + 32.0 + 32.7 = 231.8 / 7 = 33.1%

I use a Tanita BF-680 scale (about 2yrs old now).

So there you have it.......my own personal method to track my weight loss. I'm not saying that its the best way or even the right way to do it............its just the method that seems to work for me.

Keep in mind that weight loss isn't the only means of tracking your progress. How do you feel? Are your clothes getting looser or tighter? Do you feel stronger, healthier, leaner? Your own perceptions can be the most valuable tools to help you track your weight control progress.

Doctor Visit

"I shall do less whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause and I shall do more whenever I shall believe doing more will help the cause. I shall try to correct errors when shown to be errors and I shall adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views." ~ Abraham Lincoln

Last week I mentioned a recent visit to the doctor, but at the time I didn't spill the beans about what occurred.......so here's the scoop (sorry about the food analogies):

I had been meaning to discuss a few sensitive things with my doctor for quite some time now, but for one reason or another I put it off. Usually I would tell myself 'you've got things under control' or 'get a grip.....you can deal with this by yourself' etc.....etc....

This last visit I went through my normal check-up and my doctor said 'so is there anything else I can do for you today?'. I must of hesitated because she followed up with 'what's on your mind'. With that little extra push I told her what was whirling around in my head. I explained that there were quite a few things that I was having a hard time coping with......low self esteem, poor body image, binging & overeating......and that I had a definite emotional attachment to food. I also let her know that this was a life long struggle and not something that has just appeared lately due to stress etc....although those things defiantly make things worse. I asked if maybe I should see a therapist.

She smiled and told me that all of these things can be dealt with through heavy medication...............hehehehe..................just kidding.

She let me know that all of the above is connected and that my best course of action was to see a psychologist since they deal with cognitive-behavioral therapy. In other words instead of just discussing my problems they would be able to help me identify & understand my thought processes that leads to these problems. From there the psychologist would be able to provide me with the tools to help me change the way I think.

This of course was the readers digest version of our conversation. In the end I've been put on a waiting list to see the local psychologist.....which could be up to 6mths from now.

I'm glad that I was able to admit that I needed help.....it only took me the last 14yrs to admit it.

I know that this is definitely a step in the right direction......I can hardly wait for my first session.

My Weight, My Life: Part 2 (1992 - 1999)

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." ~ H. G. Wells

The story continues......its long.....and quite personal, but I'm willing to share it.

It starts back in August of 1993. I was 20 yrs old (single) & just starting my 2nd year at Georgian College for 'Law & Security'. I was in the best shape of my life at a husky, but fit 202 lbs. I was able to run 1.5 miles in just under 11 mins which put me in the top half of my class. I had always dreamed of being a Police Officer and I was on the right path to succeed. I still struggled with my weight, but I managed to maintain it by eating healthy & exercising regularly.

In late September of 1993 everything came crashing down. I had a severe knee injury while playing road hockey of all things that was brought on by years of sport related stress. I almost completely severed my ACL and badly injured my MCL, while managing to destroy the better part of the menisci. Apparently in the professional sports world this knee injury is referred to as the 'Terrible Triad' and is usually career ending.

This injury was going to require 2 surgeries and meant that I wasn't going to be able to complete the physical requirement of my course which meant I would be able to complete the school year. I dropped out hoping to continue the following year.

I started to slowly put on weight due to my inactivity. Sometime after my first surgery.....in or around Jan. 94 (while on crutches) I met a girl and began what seemed like the beginning of a great relationship. Later on in July of 94 things were progressing between us just fine and I had completed my second surgery and was on the road to recovery.

My girlfriend moved to Ottawa to start her first year at Carleton University and as it turns out I wasn't even close to being ready to return to Georgian to complete my second year.....I had to put it off for yet another year. In early December of 94 I went up to Ottawa for what was my 3rd or 4th visit to see my girlfriend since August. I ended up moving there shortly after New Years in January of 1995.

Things started out well enough. I decided to forget about returning to college. I figured that even if I was able to complete my course and successfully get on the police force, there was a high probability that I would re-injure my knee and end up pushing paper for the rest of my life. I instead decided to start university during the summer of 95 and ended up enrolling full-time in the fall.

My relationship started to go downhill fast a few months after moving in, but we persevered and moved into a joint lease closer to the university in the fall. After this point all hell broke loose. Somewhere along the way my girlfriend changed.....Drastically. It would take far too long to explain.... I could probably write a whole novel on that point in my life.

To make this long story shorter the period of time between Dec. of 94 & April of 96 represents the worst period of my life. At the hands of my girlfriend I suffered abuse on every level; mentally/emotionally, verbally & physically. I took emotional eating to an all new high which included binge eating & eating in secret. I became depressed and my self image/worth dropped off the face of the earth. I even contemplated suicide, although I knew that I would never choose that option as a way out.

In April of 96 I ended the school year, permanently severed my relationship and moved back home with my parents.

At that time in my life I was broken and exhausted. I spent much of the next year trying to put back the shattered pieces of my life. Then one day in late April of 97' I just decided enough was enough and set off determined to change my life.

I started off by reading a pile of self help books. I did a lot of research on nutrition and weight loss. At the beginning of June of 97 I joined a gym & implemented a very strict eating/exercising program. I exercised 6 times a week, up to 3hrs a day sometimes. I ate tons of egg whites for breakfast, chicken with lunch & dinner. I ate more fruits and vegetables, drank tons of water, had protein shakes after workouts. I over did every aspect in both my nutrition and my training and my calorie intake was very low.

In the first week I lost nearly 10 lbs. which only pushed me harder and harder. After only 8 short weeks I had lost 36 lbs. and at 189 lbs I was lighter than I had been in nearly 9 years.

My weight loss came far too quickly.....it wasn't healthy. Try as I might I wasn't able to maintain this weight for long and I crept back up to 204 lbs by early Oct. 1997. My resolve to remain healthy by eating better & exercising didn't let up though. I took on a less extreme approach and managed to maintain my weight at 204 lbs for 2 full years. I fluctuated by +/- 5lbs........I was still squishy....but I was happier than I had been in sometime.

I'll continue this story in Part 3.

My Weight, My Life: Part 1 (1985 - 1992)

"I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past." ~ Thomas Jefferson

This story is long.....and quite personal, but I'm willing to share it.

In 1985 I was only 10yrs old. I had just started 6th grade at Greenbriar Public School in Bramalea, Ontario (Population +120 thousand...at the time). I was a hyper kid, I talked a lot (and still do) and made friends easily. I was never a skinny kid and tended to be on the plump side, but at this point in my life weight hadn't yet been a big problem. During grade 6, 7 and 8 my popularity grew. I wasn't the coolest or most athletic kid in school, but I could hold my own.

The one thing that I really had going for me was that I had quite a few older friends (2-4 yrs older....but is a lifetime at that age). These older friends were very popular at high school. One of them was the captain of the football team, another was a star of the basketball team and D.J'd all the recreation center dances which was one of the most popular events of the time. These guys were also good friends and they let me tag along a lot, hang out behind the D.J booth etc....which helped with my popularity.

Towards the end of grade 8 everything seemed to be going great. After a few years of playing football I played Right Tackle on a AAA football team called the 'Bramlea Bulldogs' in which I was the top defensive player. I was the head organizer for our graduation dance because of my connections. It was the summer holidays and High School was just around the corner. I was sooooo excited. Especially since because of my older friends I didn't have to worry about being initiated or being picked on like everyone else.......life couldn't be better.

Then we moved.

My dad had started a new job in Aurora, Ontario about a 1hr drive away. They had been considering a move North for sometime. We moved to Bradford, Ontario (Population 5,500 at the time)....which was considered the boonies to people from Bramalea. The move occurred just shortly before high school started and I only managed to meet 2 people close to my own age before I started. Unfortunately they were just starting grade 7 & 8 which meant I didn't know anyone on my first day.

Grade 9 was a terrible year for me. Bradford High was a very clicky school. Because Bradford was small a lot of the students were bused in from surrounding areas. Most of the students had known each other for many years before attending High School. I spent the majority of grade 9 and part of grade 10 alone. I had very few friends, I went home for lunch and didn't participate in any after school activities.

Up until this point in my life I went through periods where I was chunky, followed by small growth spurts that would distribute my weight more evenly. Just before grade nine I was starting to get chunky again, which was exasperated greatly by the move.

This was the beginning of my struggle with weight. I turned to food to comfort myself. I became an emotional eater and packed on weight fast. By the middle of grade 9 I was over 150 lbs at just over 5' tall and my self esteem was extremely low.

Things improved during the mid-point of the next year. I became friends with someone that was in a few of my classes from the year before and he slowly started to introduce me to his group of friends. Towards the end of grade 10 I was part of this group of friends, but my problems weren't over yet. My eating habits hadn't changed. I gained even more weight even though I was slowly growing. Sometimes I wondered if the guys really like me or if they just kept me around to be the butt end of all their jokes. I can't remember when, but at some point my nickname became 'Piggy' based on the character from 'Lord Of The Flies'. I don't think they really realized just how much their teasing hurt. The one good thing about hanging out with this group was they were very active and participated in almost every sport related activity during lunch and after school.

Through the remaining years of High School I became very close with this group of friends. I became more physically active and grew to my current height 5' 10" by the end of grade 12.....but I was still quite squishy at around 205 lbs.

The summer of 1992 was an important time for me. I was excepted into Georgian College for 'Law & Security' which was my stepping stone on the road to becoming a police officer.....something that I had always dreamed about. Motivated by this dream I started to eat healthier and took up running to prepare myself for the timed 1.5 mile runs that I would be doing the next year.

The story continues in Part 2........But before I end this part I want to say something important to my parents.....just in case they read this. Their decision to move was a good one. Bramalea was getting over populated and more dangerous by the day. Its unfortunate how my first years of high school turned out....But they helped be become the person I am today. I hold no resentment towards them or the outcome of my life.

My Weight....My Life, Over the years.

"All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Through my adult life my weight has been as low as 189 lbs and as high as 259 lbs.....which is scary enough as it is.....But when you take into account all the weight that I've lost & regain over the years is damn right frightening.

I plan on putting the below information into a graph to better illustrate my 'battle with the bulge' in the near future.......for now this will have to suffice:

• Dec. 1991: 190 lbs @ 18 yrs old.
• Dec. 1992: 205 lbs
• Sept. 1992: 200 lbs
• Sept. 1993: 202 lbs
• Nov. 1993: 207 lbs
• Dec. 1994: 215 lbs
• May 1995: 226 lbs
• April 1996: 235 lbs
• Sept. 1996: 230 lbs
• June 1997: 225 lbs
• July 1997: 189 lbs
• Oct. 1997: 204 lbs
• Aug. 1999: 205 lbs
• Mar. 2002: 259 lbs
• May 2002: 245 lbs
• July 2002: 238 lbs
• June 2004: 231 lbs
• Sept 2004: 213 lbs
• Dec. 2004: 232 lbs
• Mar. 2005: 242 lbs
• May 2005: 238 lbs
• July 2005: 256 lbs
• Jan. 2006: 242 lbs
• Feb. 12th, 2006: 233 lbs
• Currently: 229.6 lbs

The above dates/stats are based on points in my life that I was able to recall my weight. Most of the weight losses/gains revolve around specific events in my life. I'll go into some detail about these events at a later date since some of the stories involve topics/issues that needed or need to be addressed for success in the future.

Its all about change

" It is never too late to become what you might have been." ~ George Eliot

* CHANGE *

I don't feel the suns coming out today
It's staying in, its gonna find another way
As I sit here in this misery I don't think I'll ever see the sun from here
And oh as I fade away, they'll all look at me and say,
Hey look at him I'll never live that way
But that's ok they're just afraid to change

When you feel your life ain't worth living, you've got to stand up and
take a look around you then a look way up to the sky
And when your deepest thoughts are broken, keep on dreamin' boy cause
when you stop dreamin' its time to die
And as we all play parts of tomorrow
Some ways we'll work and other ways we'll play
But I know we can't all stay here forever
So I want to write my words on the face of today
.....And then they'll paint it

And oh as I fade away they'll all look at me and say,
hey look at him and where he is these days

When life is hard you have to change

- Blind Melon


This is how much this song means to me:

Turning A New Page

"Our achievements speak for themselves. What we have to keep track of are our failures, discouragements and doubts. We tend to forget the past difficulties, the many false starts, and the painful groping." ~ Ethel Barrymore

Well a lot has transpired since the last time I posted a blog on this page. I ended my short career as an Ironworker due to a re-occurring knee injury. I packed up all my belongings and moved out of the Province to Newfoundland with my girlfriend Sherri. There was a lot of turmoil during the move.....problems with lawyers, the survey of the new property in Newfoundland, and a host of other things that all piled up to a boatload of stress. Sherri and I remained strong through all these struggles and I'm happy to say that we made it through it together and are incredibly happy in our new home. I've since found employment and things are starting to fall together nicely. The only thing that really suffered through all of this was my initiative to eat healthy and exercise.

The more my stress level rose, the more my unhealthy habits returned. I always knew that I was an emotional eater and that food was a means of coping... but it has never been so apparent as it has over the last few months.

I managed to weight myself before I left and found that I had ballooned up to 252.5 lbs, which is the second highest that I've ever been (I once tipped the scales at 259 lbs about 5yrs ago). This upset me greatly and I knew now more than ever I needed to get back on track. I've been a bit more conscious about my eating over the last 3 weeks and I've done a lot of work on and around the house that has been physically strenuous.

I'm going to weigh myself in tomorrow and start this journey fresh. I know my weaknesses. I know my failures.

I will be successful this time.

The low down on being Squishy.

"Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men. "
~ Douglas Bader

For someone as Squishy as myself I have an abundance of knowledge when it comes to the topic of mental/physical health. I've read more than my share of books on fitness, nutrition and self help than I care to mention. I've subscribed to Men's Health magazine (one of the best men's magazines on the market...in my opinion) on and off for years. I'm old enough to have lived through the "eating fat makes you fat" fad of the 80's to the low carb loading craze of the 9o's, which leads us to the current advent of the high protein diet phenomenon.

While nutrition philosophies have swung from one extreme to the other over the years, one universal truth exists that has never really been argued by health professionals worldwide..... and that's the idea of BALANCE. Health crazes are always trying to re-invent the wheel in an attempt to cure the all so familiar problem with obesity in our society. The problem is that with each craze the problem only seems to get worse... which is only all to familiar in my case.

I'm 31 yrs old (32 in Sept.) and I've weighed over 200 lbs since my senior years of high school over 14yrs ago. During that time my weight has fluctuated a great deal. I currently weigh in at 243 lbs, but I have been as high as 259 and as low as 189 (below 200 lbs for 3 months, 8yrs ago). Like many others, my problem with food revolves around an emotional response to it. I tend to eat when I'm extremely happy, sad or stressed out. I've been known to binge and also to hide my eating habits from others. Most of my friends would actually tell you that I'm not really that over weight but I would say this is due to 3 reasons: #1 I hide my weight well, #2 some of them are just being polite, and most importantly #3 its becoming far more common these days to lead and live an unhealthy life to that point that its often overlooked.

I've never been comfortable with being overweight, unfit and unhealthy. I resent the stigma of being "FAT". I resent the name calling, being labeled "lumpy" and more importantly I resent the negativity that I've always felt towards myself over the years due to my weight.

Beyond the self esteem issues and the labeling by society there are other far more important reasons for wanting to address my weight problem and that's the related health issues which I'm currently facing, and the even more serious ones that I could be facing in the future. In the past I've had 3 knee surgeries to correct minor & major ligament damage. Currently I'm off work due a re-injury of my knee and this time it might be permanent. There's no doubt in my mind that my weight has contributed to this and that it might of been prevented if I was leading a healthy lifestyle. More importantly my weight puts me at very high risk of developing diabetes, heart disease, cancer and gall bladder disease just to name a few.... and that scares the shit out of me.

The bottom line is the time has come for me to make a change and not a temporary one.

So what's my overall goal?

To achieve mental & physical wellness by leading a consistent & healthy lifestyle.

I encourage you to join me in my journey towards this goal.